tripping on reality.

2006-06-04T01:04:00.000+01:00

I am moving to livejournal.
just because.

2006-05-27T03:57:00.000+01:00

it was slag central at wonky's tonight. both me and louis both got played and then tossed aside for Someone Else. the glb circuit is waay too incestuous.

on the dating dartboard: hit/miss/not even bothering to try. maybe i should try dating instead of the one-offs that's fast becoming a personality trait. the one-hit wonder. i swear i'm generating a lot of bad karma that is going to boomerang right back with triple industrial strength.

i accepted the job as Assistant Production Manager for c-venues for the Edinburgh Fringe Fest otherwise known as the Cheap Labour Fool. mainly admininstrative, liasing between the performance companies and the production houses (lighting, rigging, scaffolding etc). but hopefully, i'll be at the heart of the insanity during the festival and see many many shows for free-

so i'll see you in September then, mon cherie! in the meantime, be good and don't do anything i wouldn't do. x

2006-05-25T11:18:00.000+01:00

i have to hand in my unit options form for next year on Friday. Apart from the core unit, for my practical options i have to choose either the Short Film unit or the Experimental Theatre unit, ( for the second half of the year i get to do a practical and a dissertation in my area of interest). I know what you choose doesn't exactly determine the route you'll go in the future, but I am adamant (and am testament) to the fact that the subject influences and shapes your perspective as well as direction.

Right now i'm stuck smack in between.

the only thing deterring me from taking the experimental theatre unit is that it's led by a somewhat spaced-out woman who led us on a very flighty workshop once in the first year, but whom the third years claim does pretty amazing stuff once you get used to her. AND, she held out the Tim Etchells (Forced Entertainment) card- quite irresistable.

::

I've just heard news that there is a new state-imposed curfew for teenagers under 16- that they have to be home before 11pm. that is the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard. do they actually believe that home-quaratine would abolish problems of drug abuse, or gangs, or theft or whatever problems they define as "troubled-youth" related? What if the problems stems from the home- what if the teen is trying to escape from the problems at home- alcohol abuse, child abuse, marital spats etc?

They keep looking for the magic button on the machine.

There is no fucking magic button, you fucking wankers.

2006-05-23T19:20:00.000+01:00

if you still haven't seen this, it's now on youtube: First F.R.E.E. bus x

a collage of rambles, thoughts and state of minds

2006-05-20T12:24:00.000+01:00

i am finding it hard to compress feelings into words. language is limiting, in that by describing, you demarcate, you define, you draw boundaries, shortchanging the complexities and layers of the surge and fall, of the pulsating and the deadened, of the marvel and of the frustration, of the indescribability of the space on the left of your chest.

i might not be heading back, after all, on the 27th of june (i can hear sighs of relief already) because, cross my fingers and hope to die i might, might be working for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in July and August. it's a huge, huge opportunity and i'm hoping and hoping they'll take me in.

i cannot believe that this year is coming to an end. i can't believe that I haven't seen my family and friends, or had prata, or laksa, or trawled through Haji Lane, or attended events at the Substation for close to 9 months now.

the term home is becoming increasingly indiscernable.

i am eternally grateful to my wonderful housemates at Broad Quay. it's incredible how much a little confidence and support from a group of people can push one to scale much greater heights. i must admit, rather churlishly, that I have blossomed. not, regretfully, in the bust area, but in my strengths as a person and as an artist. i have learnt that, perhaps unfortunately for some, i possess an acid tongue, and some of my friends have suggested perhaps pursuing the option of becoming a critic. it is an attractive option, but i would be relunctant to completely abandon practice.

being often misunderstood for being judgemental, it seems slightly ironic that I am considering a line of work anchored in constructive criticism. i've never revealed how much it has stung me, but whenever I am misinterpreted as materialistic, be it by peers who frown upon my comfortable upbringing with bourgeosis- slitted eyes, or in fact, artists from the drama company i volunteered for who sneer at my seemingly opportunistic and irresponsible behaviour, not bothering to consider that it might have been the naviety and lack of direction of lost sheep suddenly let loose from being penned up in a decade of compulsory education. it frustrates, but more than anything else, hurts like a knife wound flitting across raw flesh, when i am judged by my background. fuck you.

2006-05-14T11:40:00.000+01:00

i have been up to my ears in work since the easter break. that means staying in school from 930 till 8pm almost every single day, with the odd Sunday off. So, a pictorial update it is, for recollection's sake, to revist the whirlwind speed of the past month's pace:

London Stop The War Protest 18th March 2006

for more photos go Here

F.R.E.E Bus Service(www.firstfreebus.co.uk)

more photos to be updated later.

well.

it's not much of an update is it.

but i'll be flying back to sunny singapore on the 27th of June so catch up with you then. in the meantime, be good, and don't do anything i wouldn't do.

much love. xx

2006-05-07T23:12:00.000+01:00

if u nag at me enough, i'll do a proper update soon enough..

but this is a hint of what i've been busy with last week.

Visit www.firstfreebus.co.uk

Update: Video is now available for download on the site!!xx

2006-04-30T09:36:00.000+01:00

i had two tiffs culminating in a walk-out in a space of a day. both were with the people i love and trust the most in the house. am not entirely sure what triggered the barrel shotgun emotional hypersensitivity splaying blood tears over any semblance of an arguement. maybe it's the fact that I am currently devouring David Peltzer's 'A Boy Called It'. maybe it's that I have two performance presentations in the space of 3 weeks. maybe it's that I miss the beavers family friends.

i feel so angry with myself everytime I waste away a day not doing anything. when i say not doing anything it means not having lived. it could be a moment of connection with a friend, or a stranger,when a certain meaning comes to light, embracing the rush of adrenaline when a brain-gasm awashes over you, when you learn something about yourself, when you learn something about someone else, or the surge of super-hero inspiration when you feel like you can change the world.

it was mid-morning. i was lounging on one of the kitchen chairs, David Peltzer on my lap. Andy was doing the dishes, the music was blaring some rap rock, DJ Val was playing. All of a sudden DJ Val plopped onto the chair in front of me and said something I couldn't quite catch. the lyrics of the song says something like Mao Tze Tung says there cannot be revolution without guns, that is true isn't it? What, I shot back, with a tone of disbelief. Misunderstanding, he goes on to say that yeah well, for true revolution, for true change there has to be a force underpinning the society, there has to be millions dead.

ignorance pains me.

when someone I respect believes that true revolution can only come from oppression. How can this be when true revolution stems from the people, when change can only truly come about when the hearts and minds of the people believe in it. through force you conquer the people only physically, thinking you can bend their bodies to your will. you may break someone's spirit, but inspiration festens, stories spread.

there can be no revolution without clowns, without laughter, without dancing. revolution may take the seemingly frivolous shape of carnivals, parades with girls in tight dresses who drag with moustaches that reclaim the streets of New Orleans, San Fransisco, Sydney, just for a day. But from that one day of revelery they slowly reclaim the right to celebrate who they are, the love beads spilling over from their floats onto your/their everyday life, splaying the world with their laughter, half-happy, half-bitter for that one day in which they allow themselves to cast their mask aside.

2006-04-24T22:44:00.000+01:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWPvISLkORw

What kind of world does Ariel want to be in?

An example of detournement done for our radical performance unit.

village of Opachi, population 19

2006-04-18T10:54:00.000+01:00

slowly bumping down to earth from a short hiatus to the Highlands. Mountains, waterfalls, the Loch Ness, Isle of Skye, the land of fairies, where dinosaurs once roamed. Pink granite cliff faces, ocean crashing onto rocky shores.

2006-04-13T18:29:00.000+01:00

last night i walked home alone, grateful for the rain that fell in soft waves upon my upturned face.

adagio- secret garden

2006-04-13T18:06:00.000+01:00

i wake up, giddy and not myself, from a guiltily defiant nap curled up like a foetus under my covers shutting the light and the world out. my dreams were hazy and myraid, a frenzied dash of colours from one place to the next/the phone sounded 3 or 4 times the echoes of its polyphonic tones resounding in the spaceless plain between sleep and waking./my head feels curiously light yet sinking, too densely, with imagesthingspeoplecolorsspaces-/one hallucination most real most vivid, i smelt the room, felt the heat from its radiator, its humdrum the maroon aura emanating from the space but everything was rearranged my furniture my bed it was as if i got out of bed and came back into the room finding it in an alternate universe everything looked like it belonged where it was standing i swear i felt the heat from the radiator reached out and touched it was as if there were spirits that were in me dancing gaily about i breathed in and out under the hot shower with the sprites still inside of me residues of them still reside inside of me my arms don't feel like they belong to me nor my eyes nor my fingers as i'm typing this i'm watching everything playback from a distance someone bring me back down

to: xxx subject: first, everything

2006-04-08T22:12:00.000+01:00

To: xxx
Subject: first, everything.

hey hey,

hope all is well and that you're not suffocating too badly under the work load that must be piling up around now... (but then again, the law students are always in code red work-wise) life is alright on my side...

studying overseas does give you a lot of insight/worldview/ independence but it really isn't as jolly as it looks. this year i'm thanking my lucky stars because i somehow managed to find by complete coincidence/destiny, my housemates, which really makes everything so much more bearable. imagine living in an entirely new environment in which you're an alien physically and culturally. it's not a mere case of adopting an accent, but even the way of speech, sentence structure, conversational manner etc all have to be picked up, dissected, digested, employed... some of us have the time of our lives, some become hermits and secluded for the few years overseas, most of us experience both at different points.

i think i have changed, yet am very much, still tara. a lot more tamed down, a lot more subdued but not less fiercely passionate about what i believe in- transparency, love, art, openness, friendship, beauty in the ordinary and the fantastical, liberty. i am apprehensive and excited thinking of when i return to singapore, a time and place where i can stop and measure.

it's funny how you think of me as 'experienced', when i consider myself hopelessly inadequate when it comes to matters of the palpitating heart and sweaty palms. i think love is inexplicable, it can't and shouldn't be dissected or explained. what's the point of bringing a notebook into the theatre? you lose everything when you're not in the moment. tim etchells of 'forced entertainment' has his famous mantra, 'be here, be here, be here...'

do i ever think that i made wrong decisions? maybe, sometimes, yes, no. of not making the pursuit when that ache in your gut is telling you doitdoitdoit, of fixating your attention on someone who won't give u the time of the day, snubbing the other who makes YOU their day, of ending it before it died a natural death because you think you saw symptoms of an incurable disease...
go for what feels right. if it's not there, it's not.
of course i feel regret, sometimes, even now, of what could have been. but it's a choice that makes me who i am, if you know what i mean. i can't possibly imagine it now what would have happened if it didn't. unfortunately these random 'perhaps' will probably haunt for a while...

on God.. i respect religion, and its beliefs, its rituals its faiths, but i still stand pretty clearly on where i stood before. i understand, but as you pointed out, it's not from the heart. it's not so simply a matter of choice, but unextricably a belief that stems from deep within.

hope to hear from you soon!!!

clear skies,
tara

2006-04-08T21:31:00.000+01:00

the muted explosions of fireworks blister in the crisp night air.

2006-04-08T21:29:00.000+01:00

7. And then she puts on her brass knuckles.
"Mr Cai could even consider putting these ideas to the people by contesting in the forthcoming elections himself."

This is an old tactic long used by Lee Kuan Yew: A challenge to an electoral fist-fight, with the implication that if you decline to accept the challenge, then you're a coward and all that you have said have no merit. Politics is only for politicians. If you don't enter the electoral arena, you have no right to speak up.

Yawning Bread takes on Irene Ng on political dissent.
"She with the brass knuckes"

brace me.

2006-04-08T00:40:00.000+01:00

The way you hold me

You never ever have cold hands
But large warm webs that envelope my fingers my shoulder
my face
Nestling into your arm your chest/ big protector for the small (but feisty)/ your warmth is a hazy drug that clouds my senses numbs the pain your lies shoot straight as an arrow into the heart’s flinching
Eye/ gaze painstakingly unblinkingly glazing over not wanting to see/ each time you look at her with those clear bluegreengrey windows curtains drawn for all the world to behold
How much you love her.

The way you hold me.

Your embrace is like a wave crashing onto shore/ the intensity never wavering your devotion strong
Excavate my nape with muzzled kisses/ each time moulding to a better fit your lips my skin / our scent emerges from the ashes of our warmth a tantalizing mix of tangerine of wood and of skin of the young of the restless of our dreams

The way you hold me

Against your softness I never fail to marvel
No muscle no veins no resistance just
Clouds ever-yielding
To the way I press against you feather light

The way you hold me

Easily, comfortably, as you have many times before.
We sleep, like children, your fingers tracing a playful path on my skin/
My eyes trace those drawn on yours/ following the flames of the beast glaring from your torso, flickering tongues licking slyly down one arm down to calf where a shadowy skeletal figure lurks/ barely there
Yet unmistakable/ etched in blue thread slashed across the faintly pulsating veins skimming beneath your paper-thin skin

half wild and unwritten.

2006-04-06T20:22:00.000+01:00

don't exhale

2006-04-01T02:10:00.000+01:00

mogwai.

2006-03-30T04:56:00.000+01:00

the sweet scent of marijuana drifts in and out between the crowds
guitar rifts and rhythmic symphony of the drum taking you to the dream of a world all awash in white
bloodless, with both feet firmly on the ground.
weak not with wanting but by the need to want
we are all but just another face in the crowd

Giant speakers the size of Man encroached in the top corners
their relentless stare with those hungry hungry eyes
waiting watching intently
for the moment of surrender

fucked by a rhythmic beat
caressed lovingly awashed by blue strobe rays that glide across our faces
setting us alight

2006-03-20T23:32:00.000Z

i have a splitting headache and an essay due in 3 days.

went to the London protest on the 18th of March.
it was an incredible experience, will share once i recover from essayitis.

in the meantime, some trigger-happy photos.

2006-03-16T17:49:00.000Z

ahh, its the descent of parent-types upon the dwellings of 1A Broad Quay.

for once, the kitchen sink and counter is not clogged up with dirty dishes smeared with week-old ketchup stains and rice residue, we can actually make out the original color of the bathroom basin, there is toilet paper within arm reach in the toilets, and most importantly of all, we'll be feeding on meals (with the presence of fresh meat!) prepared with time-tested recipes, not avant-garde dishes concocted on the spur of the moment, which admittedly, does lend some excitement to meal times, excitement which sometimes continues in the aftermath of the meal, when you wonder and place bets on when you will next experience a dry fart.

it's week italia , ma bella citas! bring on the foccaccia, the pesto pasta and the tiramisu!

::

life has been good. ~~iwenttothepostproductionpartylastnightanddidn't~~
~~getdrunk,wokeupateleventhismorningforlunchwithlouiswhocameover~~
~~andifriedsomedeliciousimoriceiamimprovingasacookiamSEXandtheni~~
~~wenttoschoolforaseminarwhichwasbasicallyuselessandredundentthey~~
~~werebasicallytalkingabouteverythingi'vegonethroughinmyhead~~
~~alreadyDRUGSandireallyfeltlikesomethingsweetandcakeysoibough~~
~~tmyselfacoconutspongecakefromthecoopandthencamehomeandmet~~
~~andy'sparentswhowereabsolutesweetheartshismomisbeautifuland~~
~~helookssohappyit'sgoodROCK&ROLLandthenihadamassivesliceof~~
~~cakesomefoccacciawhichwasassoftasababy'sbottomandahugemug~~
~~ofcoffeeandthatwasmydaytillnow.~~

i wish i could transpute all the day-to-day adventures from my head to the blog.

2006-03-14T05:23:00.000Z

that's it, i'm going clean.

no more cigarettes, no more drugs, no more binge drinking, no more ONS.

let's see how long this lasts.

Pancakes for Peace!

2006-03-11T16:57:00.000Z

Stop the War

International Day of Action

18th March 2006

London

www.stopwar.org.uk

defiantly vulnerable.

2006-03-10T15:30:00.000Z

During the night, their sleeping forms are reduced to reveal them as what they simply are- shed of their armour, and of their steel.

Limbs entwined; being barely strangers, how is it when you know the rhythm of their heartbeat before you know their dreams.

somewhere to go/travelling light.

2006-03-09T12:27:00.000Z

let's run away to a spaceless plain, where the party never ends and the revellers never know night and day but live in a world of dreams where only the moment exists- just this moment now.
and when we're tired, we'll hide away under the vast canopy of the starry night sky, and dance with black crayons with red glitter dust, into the rainbow ocean where the waves never crash, only caress, cocoon ourselves with the silvery web of moon rays left drifting on the shore, peering out hazily at my dreams, your dreams, and yours and yours, our dreams, their dreams and when we're ready we'll fly into the velvet sky.

more of them little buggers.

2006-03-02T03:21:00.000Z

c'mon, give us a guess...

this was admittedly, harder to do. my memories of you are fading, fading, fading.. (the joke is so over. we should let it go now.)

2006-02-28T18:42:00.000Z

i'm addicted to avatars!!

Presenting the occupants of 1A Broad Quay (and guests)...

yours truly

val

mari

patrick

nana

andy

luca

loulou

2006-02-27T22:41:00.000Z

Bring Your Own Film Festival (BYOFF) is an annual event held during February every year on Puri beach. To call it just a film festival is to limit its unique magical quality. It’s a festival without hierarchy, competition, juries and awards where not only filmmakers but also artists from other fields like music, theatre, painting and photography are encouraged to participate and show their work.In short, BYOFF can be best described as an informal and intimate gathering of artists with films in the backdrop where screenings go on early into the morning hours- first, inside makeshift tents and then in the open air after sun down.

What a fantastic idea!

::

Gay marriages are to become legal in South Africa by the end of this year, after a Constitutional Court ruling that the current marriage laws were discriminatory. The BBC News website's Justin Pearce spoke to one young couple who are delighted at the news.

"This gay marriage is something they don't want to hear about," says Asanda. "As if all heterosexual marriages are working OK, and as if when they legalise gay marriage everyone will become gay."

"They always say we contribute to moral degeneration," Mpumi adds.

"They blame it on us - as if the whole beautiful thing of marriage and family values is going to disappear. But family values have already disappeared and we have nothing to do with it. I want to ask one of them what's so perfect about their hetero world the way it is now?"

::

4 am. Lundi Mardi. Frenchman Street, New Orleans.

Mardi Gras Festivities - Wear your Love Beads!

Pancakes for Peace!

Bake Sale tmr outside the Arts Library from 1 -2 pm, all proceeds will go towards the March against the War on the 18th March in London. www.stopwar.org.uk

will post pictures!

kisses to the stressed meow-meow surviving on coffee, cigarettes and chocolate, the very man pseudo-chinaman mat rapper DJ who preys on innocent young things, and the boi with the cute ass who needs a new blog.

the obligatory valentines' post

2006-02-17T21:10:00.000Z

'tis the season to be lovey-dovey, or as someone eloquently puts it, 'love is in the air... explains the bad smell'.

'tis the blogging season where the blog-o-sphere becomes flooded with rants on the commercialisation of valentines' day, where some, bitterly and patronisingly, inform us on how we are all fools sucked into the great marketing venture fronted by mascots like cupid, candy hearts and i-wuv-uS, or pink pages with pictures and declarations on the sweet things their other half has done for them on this 'weally, weally speciaw day, thankew again darling~~ me happy now~~~ '

I, on the other hand, have chosen to use my ticket to bestow attention on the emergence of the 'loveless generation' - an misguiding term that would have to suffice till a better alternative is found. The 'loveless generation' does not denounce love, oh no, far from it, they are full of love for their friends and family, and are often very passionate beings as well. They love life, striving towards living it to the fullest, often they love to travel, to discover the new, they display hedonistic tendencies, deriving pleasure from indulgence.

yet the one thing they don't seem to find themselves needing, is love.

the agape, they have plenty of. the eros, they don't seem to yearn for, illiciting concerns from friends and family. find a target, they all say. don't worry, someone will come along soon, they soothe. the 'loveless generation' find themselves confused, and lacking, only because they have been told that they are incomplete.

pressures to find 'the one' showered upon the loveless generation ring hollow yet bind them as heavy as ball and chain. if the right one comes along, the loveless generation say, life would be fantastic, but not more fantastic than what it would be without. love exists, and we're more than happy for those who have found happiness in someone else. but i don't live in constant hope for that illusion of a higher state of happiness, of which I believe I can find within myself.

tis a lonely road ahead.

2006-02-17T20:50:00.000Z

my radical performance class has a blog!

For all interested in hope, faith and love.

2006-02-15T02:16:00.000Z

if you haven't gotten a chance to see this, do.

Open your eyes, see what you have to see.

British troops beating up Young Iraqis.

ask me what I did in class today!

2006-02-09T19:31:00.000Z

if you were to ask me what I did in class today, I'll jump for joy and have rainbow sparkles exploding from my pixie ears, excited I am about telling you what i did for class today.

we've moved on to counter-realism in film and by jove, do we get to see the weirdest films ever. the stuff I see on screen just blows your mind- squashing any preconceptions you hold about the content and form of film.

It's only Thursday and we've already viewed 5 mindfuck films- some banned, and 1 secret screening. fabulous fabulous fabulous! just this morning, we had a screening of Andy Warhol's Blowjob which was basically 37 minutes of a static camera close-up of a man's face whilst he was getting a blowjob, no sound, dramatic lighting. it's crazy, a film like that opens up a can of worms- questionsquestionsquestions - is he really getting a blowjob or was he faking it all along? where is he? was it a man/woman down there? compare a 2 hour long Hollywood bio-epic and a half hour long close up - which gives a more insightful portraiture? and the list goes on and on.

or, Zen for Film (1964) which is essentially, 10 minutes of white screen, associated with the Fluxus movement in the 60s which was fronted by the very famous Yoko Ono.

::

my drunk alter-ego as a serial kisser.

2006-02-05T19:01:00.001Z

am thinking of going for a mohawk ala naima mora.

haven't quite the guts to go for the shave yet, but let me know what you think-

is the narcissim blinding you yet?

edit: I realise i look like I have a xiaolongbao on my head. please re-imagine the afore-mentioned pastry as something more like the picture above. much appreciated.

she smells of strawberries.

2006-02-05T04:01:00.000Z

falling for gay men and straight women.

2006-02-04T18:38:00.000Z

Contrary to popular practice of l'amour, my problem is that knowing exactly what I want.

I was sitting in the cafe today with the gbf, dissecting the reasons for my 3 year long hibernation from the dating scene and he claims it's because i'm wayy too fussy. I beg to differ, I'm not looking for the perfect person, I'm just looking for certain characteristics, certain embodiments.

he claims I don't give them enough of a chance, that i should go on dates to get to know them properly before making a decision- but honestly, I have more than enough faith in the intuitive powers bestowed on Saggis everywhere, c'mon, you can tell straightaway if the person is interesting enough to be your type or not.

the thought of going on a date with a person I don't find remotely interesting at first sight is too painful to bear. oh lordy lord, the boredom! the excrutiating pain!

2006-02-02T20:49:00.000Z

To mr friendly elf-chan:

sometimes i think i expect too little of myself,

when all i want to be is just a non-regular jane.

to hold a non-regular job. work non-regular hours. drink non-regular coffee. lead a non-regular life.

have non-regular friends.
love non-regularly, at any minute of any day.

earn a non-regular pay. have a non-regular family. drink non-regular coke. eat non-regular bread. wear non-regular clothes. score non-regular marks. have non-regular responibilities (like feeding my goldfish paracetemol)

have a non-regular boss. start a non-regular family. watch non-regular movies. eat non-regular food. enjoy non-regular sleep with non-regular dreams that continue in the non-regular morning.

2006-01-30T12:54:00.000Z

I can't not share this.

Spoof of Memoirs of a Geisha

how is it, by the way? I'll be severely disappointed if it's another House of Flying Daggers.

2006-01-30T11:41:00.000Z

whenever i meet someone new, and they ask me what it is I do- there would be a moment where I unconciously grit my teeth, put on my blank face and prepare myself by slipping on the viewfinder of 'unfocusing reality', before saying as nonchalantly as I can- 'theatre and film'. The other party's reaction makes or breaks the connection right from the very beginning.

i remain astonished by how much what you dos define who you are- yet I cannot deny the grains of truths imbedded in these stereotypes that help us place that person in those layered categories, and how much better we feel once we've slot them into our classifications. the myraid of stereotypes could be varied and complex, depending on your outlook and openness: for example, if someone introduces his and herself as a teacher, you could slot them into the 'straitlaced civil servant with the iron rice bowl' or the 'hippy new age educator, all for revolution and inspiration (and the iron rice bowl)'.

but i absolutely adore it when i find a kindred spirit, it reaffirms the consolation that I'm not the only one who sighs in appreciation at a sight of a painted man trussing himself up like a turkey with blood running down his arms,or to whom the terms mergers and accusations, wills and successions don't incite a barrage of legal terms, definitions and case studies.

keep a-bay, you lawyers! holds up coffee, cigarettes, Beauty, Freedom and Love.

::

I'm practically hyperventilating for the radical performance unit that will commence next monday- come on, with an introductory email outlining the mission of "The Living Theatre", who wouldn't be?

To call into question
who we are to each other
in the social environment of the theater,

to undo the knots that lead to misery,

to spread ourselves across the public's table
like platters at a banquet,

to set ourselves in motion
like a vortex that pulls the spectator into action,

to fire the body's secret engines,

to pass through the prism
and come out a rainbow,

to insist that what happens in the jails matters,

to cry "Not in my name!"
at the hour of execution,

to move from the theater to the street
and from the street to the theater.

This is what The Living Theatre does today.
It is what it has always done.

pantpantpant.

holey shit!

2006-01-28T18:25:00.000Z

i have a big, gaping hole in my bedroom door.

so the story goes:

Patrick got locked out of his room, but fortunately for him, the previous tenant boarded up a little hole that he made, (see below) and so we were able to reach in and unlock it with a clothes hanger.

but in the process of researching ways of unhooking the locks, somehow my door got put on self-lock mode- imagine my dismay when I found my door jammed shut. Val then kindly volunteered, well more like begged to kick my door open. his foot slipped whilst he was aiming at the lock and succeeded in walloping a huge chunk of plaster through the door.

sigh, i swear, we are truly the house of the neverending adventures. this time, i'd dare say val got the biggest kick out of it.

2006-01-28T05:28:00.000Z

i refuse to let myself cry over a stupid french boy.

i refuse.

i refuse.

i refuse.

2006-01-26T17:52:00.000Z

Before I receive yet more well-wishes and congratulations, I'd like to clear up the misunderstanding that I am happily the 2nd half of a we. no my friends, i have yet to cross over to the dark side again after a 3 year long hiatus. tara tan, is still very much one of the many hordes of single women in the city.

apart from the ludicriousity of documenting my romantic life to the online world, well, the close knit of friends who read this anyway, it is disappointing to report that nothing is moving on the romantic frontline. feelings go on and off, affectionate gestures come and go. to be honest, that trying not to catch the other person's eye at the crowded dinner table thing is starting to irrate me just a little bit.

i know he is having some trouble with the kinda-ex (don't gasp in matyred admonishment, listen to the story first!) these past couple of days, and his body-present-mind-absent status is more than understandable. my symphathies lie with him. too much, dammit.

in my defense, they were having problems already during the summer, before i even came into the picture.

what i did on my ski trip

2006-01-23T17:00:00.000Z

(not to be read in context with my previous post please)

Falling.

2006-01-23T16:00:00.000Z

You ass, look what you did, you made me fall for you.

At first I didn’t care, I treated you like everyone else, house-friends who were always over at ours. Even after the night we kissed, (everyone who knows me knows I kiss everybody) you didn’t mean that much more to me. Yeah, we have a connection, we have similar outlooks on love and life, we were both born under the Sagittarian star (damn us saggis), but you were just like those I shared special moments with. No big deal.

Then you started showering me with gifts and affection, taking me aback. After all, you hardly knew me, how could you have fallen so hard?

Then we slept on the same bed, with your arm around me. It was nice, comfortable, nothing more.

Then you left without waking me up to say goodbye.

Then you taught me skiing, being more patient than I could imagine, till I was able to ski on my own by the 2nd day.

Then you tied me up via a sleeping bag, exacting revenge for the snow I put down your pants.

Then I met your mom, and little Ophelia and her bon bons. And him.

Then you bought me musical tickets to My Fair Lady on the 14th of February.

Then you danced. And danced again. Spinning me round and round the dance floor.

Then we watched Will and Grace, cuddling under the duvet, laughing our heads off at the antics of ‘Just Jack’.

Then I found you on my mind more and more often; it was too strange, all too strange.

Then we pretended to be busy New Yorkers striding down the cobbled streets under soft rain under the warm glow of street lamps.

Then Brokeback Mountain with I wish I could quit yous and arguments over who is cuter: heath ledger or jake gyllenhaal, with cadburys’ crème eggs and haribo bonbons.

Then we made little pasta turtle shells with the rest of the house, dusted in flour and sticky with dough.

Then we fell asleep in the same bed again, unfortunately so did your arm. It’s funny how we fit in mine, when the last time it happened with someone else there was a complete lack of room to toss and turn during the night.

Then I stole a kiss by turning my head ever-so-slightly when you kissed me good night on my cheek.

2006-01-20T11:20:00.000Z

i received a call yesterday offering me a 3-month student brand manager job offer- it's not extremely work intensive, it's to work on promoting a brand on your campus, it's a little bit of extra pocket money, as well as some work experience.

it set me thinking, though, on how my work experiences all seem to deal with some form of PR and marketing- maybe it's a sign, i don't know- i'm wondering if i should still pursue film after I graduate or just slip into PR. i might sound self-derogatory but am merely being honest when i say that i am uncertain of the extent of talent i might possess in regards of directing films. i know it's silly to say that because i don't think i've given myself a proper chance in that aspect, and i believe if anyone channels enough time and energy into something, they will probably do decently well.

Promotion Team Leader [Rushmedia! (London)]

Intern/PA [Oak3 Films]

Promotion Team [Fez Club (Bristol)]

Bartender [Riverside Oriental (Bristol)]

PR Assistant [Drama Box]

Promoter [Asia-Pacific Breweries (Tiger Beer)]

Bartender/Waitstaff/Cashier [Coyote Ugly (Singapore)]

Boutique Assistant [Calvin Klein (Singapore)]

thing is- for creative industries, i believe you need that extra spurt of talent to push you through. i've been dancing since i was 10- that's more than half my life dedicated to thrice weekly trainings, missing out on family trips, that 4 minute performance you spend 4 months training for, and to be honest, ended up not being more than a mediocre dancer.

what if i go into film, only realising 7 years later that i would never go anywhere with it- that i just can't cut it?

but i want to live in the creative world of colours- glam launch parties and press conferences might titillate, but only the surface of my imagination.

::
(and yes, I was once a Tiger girl)

2006-01-18T12:57:00.000Z

there are too many great, single women around.

and too many great, gay men.

damage done this xmas hols:

2006-01-14T18:04:00.000Z

1 dress from Topshop {lipsy}
1 pair of hot pink earmuffs
3 skirts from River Island
2 pairs of boots from Barratts
1 pair of heels from Ravel
1 pair of biker jeans from Barushka
1 black Victorian tee from Barushka
1 pair of tailored pants from Zara
1 pair of boots from Amsterdam flea market
1 blazer from Amsterdam flea market
2 gorgeous boho skirts from Amsterdam flea market
1 black shrug from H&M
1 hat from Amsterdam flea market
2 crazy necklaces from Marseilles flea market
3 crazy bracelets from Marseilles flea market

DAMN YOU, JANUARY SALES

2006-01-13T00:14:00.000Z

a kiss on the forehead spells instant death to any romantic possibilities. INSTANT DEATH!

2006-01-04T01:37:00.000Z

The Picto-Personality Test

You are a person who lives in the moment and is passionate about whatever and whoever you love.

When alone, you like to relax and do exactly what you feel like doing at the time.

You are romantic, and when you are with your partner you like to woo them with your imagination.

In the future you will be very wealthy. You have the ambition and the drive to make a lot of money.

Take this Test at QuizGalalxy.com

Alternative to essay writing part deux!

2006-01-02T22:14:00.000Z

1. Song playing at the moment?
Latazz - The Funky Lowlives (i'll keep updating the list as I do this meme!)
Celebrity Skin- Hole
Have it All - Jeremy Kay
Love is no Big Truth- Kings of Convenience
Don't Look Back into the Sun - The Libertines
We Belong Together- Mariah Carey
Porcelein - Moby
Scar Tissue- Red hot Chilli Peppers

2. One reason for living?
tres impossible task. I LOVE life, and it sounds lame to say 'my reason for living is because i love life.' that's like saying 'i like them apples because i love apple juice'.

3. Ever been in love?
uhm. hahaha. i know the Ex reads the blog. i don't know. it was intensified puppy love. ask me in 10 years' time, maybe i'll figure out how to quantify love.

4. Ever donated blood?
Nope. i hate injection needles. but would go for piercings and tattoos.

5. Favourite color(s)?
i hate questions like that. i wear black the most often currently, my favourite pair of boots are green, i love the grey tinge of the sky and the electrofying white of the christmas lights- i love the colours of the rainbow, i can't imagine a world of black and white.

6. Accessories u usually wear?
usually a long necklace and earrings. my bangles are redunctant with the coats and sleeves the weather requires. if i'm in the mood, a sequinned flower or butterfly in my hair.

7. Last place u went?
the convenience store around the corner to get cadburys'.

8. Single or attached?
single- and living it!

9. Have u ever fallen asleep in class?
yep. and i've a special posture so it looks like i'm hunched intently over my books, frowning with concentration. has fooled the whole world.

10. Last person who disappointed u?
BEAVERS COS THEY HAVE YET TO COLLECT THE PRESENTS A MONTH LATE

11. Last person who made u angry?
peeved? my dinner guests who were an hour late for nye dinner.
truly angry? during my internship over the summer when i found out i was being paid half of what the production assistants were getting, for the same job, just because of the job title.

12. Last person who made u smile?
loulou, over msn. i smile alot these days, believe it or not.

13. The funniest movie u watched this year?
the year just began, man. and the first movie of the year i've watched was 'Kids' by Larry Clark, about teenagers in downtown NYC, "an unflinching depiction of the beauty and tragedy of youth". depressing.

14. Have u ever vomited in a vehicle?
nope. not that i can recall anyway. the only reason why i'd do that would be because i was absolutely smashed, but i don't think i've thrown up in a taxi before. but i was there with people who have puked over the person sitting in the middle of us. i was laughing so hard, mostly out of sheer relief.

15. Have tattoo(s) or tried henna?
henna, yes. and tricked people into believing the dragon henna on my back and butterfly on my ankle were real! whatthehelll- you guys think i'm some sorta ah lian izzit?
am mustering up balls to get a tattoo, still searching for a personalised design.

16.The most romantic gift ever received?
toughie. (are u still reading, the Ex?) soft toys with epitomised characteristics left on my pillow.
happened more than once by different people.
what can i say, i'm a sucker for things like that.
what can i do, when i most often get flowers (nice, i love falling asleep to the scent of them) and dildos (it says a lot about what people think of me).

17. Do you smoke ?
ahem. yes. but i've cut down drastically. you can't drink, and not smoke- it goes too well.

18. Have u ever felt like dying cos u've been so hurt?
hurt physically or emotionally? a firm no- either ways. i'm a toughie, i am. and there's always more to life to keep me going on. nothing's worth dying for.

19. Have u ever ridden a horse?
yep. and i'm a natural!

20. Have u ever hugged ur current crush?
i don't have a current crush, not that i'm aware of, anywa. even if i did have a crush, i've hugged everyone in my life often enough so that's a tick right there.

21. Ever wished u could turn back time?
who hasn't? i want to stay forever in my 20s.
or was the question refering to living in another era? if so, i'll say the 70s- hippie-dom!

22. Wat would u do if u woke up one day to find your gender changed?
scratch my genitals in public and think it socially acceptable.

23. Songs that's u think are meaningful?
next.

24. Last person u met?
guy manning the convenience store?
if it's people i know- kim and jansen, for dinner at theirs.

25. Wat will u be doing tomorrow?
i have a to-do list for tmr! bank stuff, currency-changer, buy camera film, translation job, gym

26. Things u totally regretted doing?
i've made a fool out of myself countless times- e.g. being drunk, kissing random strangers, inapproriate public speaking- too many.
then again, i say live life with no regrets.

27. Do people like u?
enough to give me dildos. it's sweet- they want me to be happy.

28. Do you like anyone now?
i don't think so. i'm not pining for anyone, no.

29. Someone who means a lot to u?
beavers? most of you reading this, anyway.

30. Have u ever played with fire?
yeap. i recall a funny story of someone burning a big chunk of hair from the head of a girl he liked with a cigarette lighter.

31. Have u ever missed someone so badly?
yeahh 'course.. all you back home in sunny sg.

32. Do u hate someone at the moment?
nope. i don't think i've ever hated anyone. peace out.

33. Have u ever been told that u are cute?
finally, yes! constantly, by my housemates. i don't think any asian people would ever label me as cute. am no competition by comparison.

34. Wat would u do if today is ur last day?
take flights to as many places around the world. document my last day through film. hug and kiss loved ones.

35. Wat do u wish to happen now?
for me to do my work. for the fuckin' boiler to work. for a bowl of instant mee to instantly appear. for my metabolism rate to shoot skyhigh. for me to suddenly be able to create works of art, churn out perfect scripts and research papers effortlessly, off the top of my head. to be able to fly. to have 20/20 vision. for there to be a massive street party right outside my door right now.

Special New Year issue!

2006-01-02T20:57:00.000Z

how the insanity all began...

in a mental instituition, of course! (Whitley Detention Centre)

the symptoms were there from day one...

"Bleach That Stains" (2004)

Uncut/Angkat - a collaborative effort by the NUS Theatre Studies' Programme

L-R:

Eleine as Daisy- pregnant with premonitions

Daisy is a young, pregnant woman who suffers from an extreme case of pre-natal anxiety. She has constant hallucinations that someone is coming to take her baby away.

quote: (to an unexpected audience intervention, 'is your baby george bush?' )"my baby not angmoh!"

Fadilah as Wati- plaster girl

Wati is a young girl, in her early 20s who is always surrounded by her dolls on which she would place band-aids after band-aids on their mouths and between their legs. She is a rape victim from a case of marital abuse.

quote: "I want more plasters, my doll is hurt, i want plasters please"

Jasmine as Nurse Nora - overdomineering ruler of mental institution-

Nurse Nora is a woman of strict demeanour and intimidating stature, professional in every inch of her being. With her clipboard, white uniform and impeccable smile, she greets the audience at the entrance of the doorway.

quote: "Here at Whitley, we do not believe in confining our patients. We believe in rehabilitation through education and art."

Firdaus as Ted- anxious reporter

Ted is a thin, nervous man who follows Nurse Nora with part-awe and part-intimidation of her power in the little world he inhabits. Nurse Nora often threatens him with the warning that she will tell his mother what he has done and Ted will follow Nurse Nora’s instructions word-for-word, for fear that he would incur her wrath.

quote: Nurse Nora! Nurse Nora! What do you think of... the currant jelly uprising?!

Jezamine as the Bear- metatext

Audience is led into a square, white, blank space, where the patients mill about within. Patients interact with audience members.

There is a square cage made out of bamboo poles and within the four corners stalk a wild, bear-like creature.

quote: "The bear, when held in captivity, will soon develop the habit of pacing back and forth in its confined space. It is the lifestyle the bear is accustomed to, even though it is an oppressive one. "

Tara as Nurse Francine - do-gooder
Nurse Francine is the other nurse in the institution. She is new, young and optimistic, and has much more liberal ideals than the rigid structure Nurse Nora uses to run the institution. She is constantly pushing for change, and is the thorn in Nurse Nora’s flesh.

quote: "Do you hear the people sing?Singing the song of angry men. This is the music of the people who will not be slaves again"(from Les Miserables)

Victor as Uncle Cheng

Uncle Cheng is a 60 plus year old man who carries around with him a tin biscuit tin and is obsessed with the plan of escaping to Sentosa. He is loud but affable, and while awkward, does not appear to be a threat nor mean any harm.

quote: "Island life, I love it! Sentosa’s days are wild, and nights are magic!

Wanying as June

June is a blind, middle-aged woman who is hindered not so much by her handicap but by her refusal to depend on herself. She suffers from separation-anxiety and is convinced that she is helpless and unable to do anything by her own initiative.

quote: "Nurse Francine! Nurse Francine! tell me what to draw!"

Shuzhuang as Belle

Belle is a woman in her 30s whose face is heavily scarred. She is obsessed with beauty and is constantly playing with her make-up kit. She likes to ask repeatedly if people think she is pretty, and is adorable and delightfully likeable except in the instances when she suddenly suffers attacks of self-mutilation when she sees a mirror or receives a hesitant response to her question.

quote: "don't worry, we'll cover up, we can cover up everything, ok?"

scene from the play- green pyjamas from chinatown!!

some people try and try....

lookie! -Nurses!

Quiz time! : the popular alternative to essay-writing

2006-01-02T17:56:00.000Z

Tara, the right job for you will allow you to be Creative and Strategic

You're a visionary in many people's eyes — able to think outside of the box to come up with your own solutions. You're creative not necessarily in the artistic sense, but because you can expand your mind to do things differently from others.

It might take a while for colleagues to recognise and reward for your entrepreneurial spirit and abilities. This could be because they envy you, or because they find your ideas slightly rebellious — willing to go against the current.

All in all, you make it hard for people to pigeon hole you. That is why you, more than others, need a job that allows you to play to your strengths, break out of the mould, and truly excel.

why must our children play in the streets, broken hearts and faded dreams?

2005-12-31T17:44:00.000Z

Love Generation - Bob Sinclair

my winter'05.

::

happy 2006, my darlings, rock on.

2005-12-30T17:03:00.000Z

It's strange, how we grew apart.

i'm sure you've been there (and for some of you, been there with me) that strange sorta feeling when you meet up with someone from the past. With some friends, time and distance isn't a issue, we'll meet up 2 years later and pick up right we left off, for others, things get a little out of focus and for the span of the couple of hours you meet up, it's a weird sort of a time lapse, when the face in front of you is so familiar and in so many of your memories, yet you hardly know each other anymore.

it is inevitable, that drifting apart- i never cease to be amazed though, at how different we become. different lives all together, worlds apart.

i remember visiting an old friend whom i haven't seen in years in hospital during the summer- it's strange, that alien-ness with an old friend. we had almost nothing to talk about, nothing in common- in retrospect, i think the discomfort stems from the contradictions of going through the motions of 'entertaining' a guest who used to be one of the more important people in your life. we had to find 'things to do' to fill up the gap that stretched between us- be it having lunch, then dessert, then drinks, then watching tv in the tv lounge, when before, all we needed was an empty spot in taka square or macdonalds' ( i know, condemn me, but we were 15!) where we whiled hours away after school.

but of course, the memories will always last, with who we were in the past, before we grew hardened and hid behind masks, when we were all bespectacled in thick glasses and starchy uniforms, when 'being in style' was determined by how your socks were rolled or the backpack you were carrying, when we weren't obsessed with needing to know what we wanted.

too many coats, too many jackets, too many skirts, too many dresses, too many shoes

2005-12-30T02:34:00.000Z

it's official. i have too many clothes.

1/5 of my room has been sanctioned off as the 'wardrobe area'- it looks amazingly satisfying right now. i have managed to fill up 1 clothes rack, 1 wardrobe, 1 chest of drawers- oh my god and my shoe count has doubled from the 7 pairs last year!

i have a dressing area! coooo! *hoots like an owl

and the january sales beckon-

somebody save me.

on my to-do list for 2006

2005-12-29T19:51:00.000Z

Moscow-Mongolia-China.

will this be a kick ass trip or will this be a kick ass trip!
trolley-baggers** need not apply. *wink

Trans-Siberian railway (usually called TransSib in Russia) is the world's longest and the most famous train route that goes through Russia. It crosses the whole continent, starts in Moscow, passes through the European Russia, crosses Urals mountains (which separate Europe and Asia), continues into Siberia's taiga and steppes, and finishes in Vladivostok — the Russian Far East coast on the Pacific Ocean.

The Trans-Siberian is an immense route: along more than 9000 kilometers of its length you will see different landscapes, meet many different people and cultures (especially, if you hop off the train at few points), experience magnificient Siberian Baikal lake, and just enjoy the trip in the train.

The original Russian name for this railway is "The Great Siberian Way", the name "Trans-Siberian" was given to this route by the West, and became very wide-spread.This railway is the backbone of Russia. It is the only overland route going through the whole country. This unique status makes the railway still quite important for the economy and safety of the country, as it was supposed to be more than 100 years ago, when it was built.

It takes more than six days to travel along the whole Trans-Siberian, so it is recommended to make stopovers along the way — like this your trip will be much more interesting also. After crossing Siberia (soon after Irkutsk) the Trans-Siberian route divides into three different routes:

• The Trans-Siberian Route: Moscow - Vladivostok – the original Trans-Siberian railway, which goes all along Siberia and through the Far East (to the Pacific Ocean).

• The Trans-Mongolian Route: Moscow - Ulan-Bataar - Beijing. You will see Siberian plains and forests, Mongolian steppe and even a part of Gobi desert along this route that goes through Mongolia to China.

• The Trans-Manchurian Route: Moscow - Beijing – a direct way from Russia to China that goes around the Eastern border of Mongolia, not crossing it. It can be interesting for those, who are not interested in going to Mongolia, or who can't get tickets for other trains.

**trolley-baggers are the antithetic to backpackers

gifts from my humps

2005-12-28T19:41:00.000Z

A christian e-card to the song 'My hump' no less.

Check it out

scales and voices

2005-12-28T19:24:00.000Z

"When Singapore was ejected from Malaysia in 1965, it had no natural resources save for the enterprise of its largely Chinese population and its port's position astride one of the world's major shipping lanes. It possessed little industry or infrastructure besides a naval base and ship-repair facilities left behind by Britain's shrinking navy. Most of the population lived cheek by jowl in ramshackle two-story shophouses or traditional village houses fashioned of rattan and bamboo. It was poorer than Mexico. Today, the city is one of Asia's most modern metropolises, the business district bristling with skyscrapers and ringed by highways. Over 90% of the population own their own homes, most of them well-maintained and scrupulously clean apartments in government-built blocks. Singapore's cultural life—a phrase that was once oxymoronic—is now at least as vibrant as those of other cities in Southeast Asia, with a sparkling new performing-arts center and some of the best restaurants in the world. After decades of strong economic growth, per-capita income last year was $24,220, about the same as Italy.

[...]

Yet for all Singapore's success, there remains a feeling that it has come at a price. Lee's methods—which despite a deliberate attempt to soften the image of the ruling People's Action Party (PAP) remain at the core of his successors' approach to governing—have found plenty of critics at home and abroad. The reaction of ordinary Singaporeans when questioned about politics or Lee and his family is telling. Without them quite knowing it, there is often an instinctive lowering of the voice and a glance over the shoulder. "People are still too frightened to talk about the taboo subjects," Catherine Lim wrote in a lengthy essay published in the Straits Times in May. There is no effective political opposition to the PAP, and few voices prepared to speak out in favor of wider democratic debate. "I think [Lee] taught us fear," says theater director Ong Keng Sen. Lim argues that the stress on order and discipline, arguably essential to an earlier stage of Singapore's development, may harm it now. "A model of governance that has no place for political openness carries with it the seeds of its own decline or even demise," she wrote. "For it will have bred a politically naive, dependent, manipulable people who ... can be compared to artificially nurtured hothouse plants, unable to survive if thrown among the sturdy plants in the wild."

"The Man Who Saw It All"

http://www.time.com/time/asia/covers/501051212/story.html

to be updated.

that being in love.

2005-12-28T18:12:00.000Z

to be in love.

i can't say i remember how it feels like to be the other half- and right now at this stage of my life, i can hardly imagine sharing my life with someone. i'm too involved in the rush that each day brings, too settled in my own skin. i love who i am at this moment, i love the life i'm living, i love my friends and family, i love how i'm loving each day.

i feel good about myself, it's that warmth in the pit of your stomach that glows within. i don't feel empty, nor lonely, and i haven't felt that ache of needing someone there. y'know, the phrases when you get all sigh-y, and wishing you had someone to lean on, just to have someone there. i'm happy for all the people around me who have someone and especially for those who have just found them, but i'm more than happy being single and loving it-

but i won't discount the magic that comes with falling in love- you little cynics out there with dismissive little hearts, open them up - don't be all 21st century and debunk the myth of falling in love, it's only human (unless the other half is an ipod nano).

::

so this is the time when it all begins.

so many of us crossing the threshold into adulthood- it's not at all about the numbers but the influx of turbulence and drama in our lives that makes it worth living. this is the time of our lives and i'm glad that it's with you.

::

happy festive season, everyone- i'd love to hear from you. hugs and kisses.

2005-12-22T17:20:00.000Z

avalanches of misfortune keeps descending on those I love who are half way around the world.

i love you, keep faith.
send me a text [(+44)7795472093] whenever you need to talk, I'll call back no matter what time it is, or where I am.

the carpet ate the duck!

2005-12-20T20:24:00.000Z

for you photo-hungry people out there- scenes from the last supper

15 december: loulou's bday/xmas celebration.

only annie.

i had whipped cream all over my face moments ago. i was nice and didn't seek revenge on account of it being his special day. (blardi hell)

then we kissed and made up.

(p.s. check out loulou's cornrows! i miss his curls.)

sigh.

we're living with freaks.

Liddat how?!

the Tanga tango-ists.

now i have time to blog

2005-12-20T20:06:00.000Z

the last of them crazy fellows left this morning leaving me, bleary-eyed with sleep, with a cheese croissant and chocolate danish, big bear hugs and kisses at the doorstep on our busy street.

now i can have peace and quiet in my room without half a dozen people screaming or jumping on my bed.

now i can have really spicy curry and not have to watch people have fresh cream and cheese with their boiled rice.

now i can go without second showers in an evening to wash off shaving cream/nutella/whipped cream that's been rudely smeared all over my face and clothes.

now i can watch movies without having to read all the jokes in the subtitles before the punchline is delivered, and kungfu movies without people making cracks about asians being inbred with martial arts skills.

now i can walk around naked in the apartment.

now i can use my evenings to do some work, instead of wasting them away in someone's room half-talking, half-dozing.

it's strange not having people sitting around the kitchen having tea, espresso or a smoke. I half-expect to hear the front door slam, or people bursting through the kitchen door.

damn those buggers, they better come back soon.

2005-12-17T03:29:00.000Z

it's a dangerous game you're playing.

the post long overdue.

2005-12-13T18:12:00.000Z

ahh, the last week of term before we break for christmas.

end-of-term essays, hurried christmas dinner gatherings before everyone goes their seperate ways around the globe, and last but not least, the end-of-term parte-eys!

this is turning into more of a photo log than anything else- i know i know! i'm goddamn lazy.

i'll catch up over xmas, i promise.

till then-

this is when they locked me in the closet. i look like lilo!

loulou, me and mari

i know, they're beautiful, and i adorned them with bindis from Little India

down, boy.

my birthday present from last year, Big Ben courtesy of the occupants of 59 Park St, reclaimed a year later.

Let the festivities begin!

2005-12-06T12:15:00.000Z

I am so fucking exhausted.

I ache all over from my neck, across my shoulders to the bottom of my spine.

2/3 rd December- "Forbidden City" was a runaway success.

4th December was a crazy night ( Every year, I get a sex toy for my birthday. it's unbelievable)

5th December was a strange, strange day, and for many(but not me), a cathartic night. ( i had the grand total of 3, THREE, people bawling their eyes out on my shoulders at different times that night)

I am so, so tired. will update when I get my essay out of the way a day late tomorrow morning.

p.s. I managed to compress a short film I did for school about our house to a reasonable 16mb or so, give me a shoutout at taratan@gmail.com if you wanna have a glimpse of the insanities that dwell within 1A Broad Quay. ["Come Over to Ours" (2005) ]

2005-12-03T13:29:00.000Z

Petrol: 5 pounds
Toll : 5 pounds
Bridge Crossing: 50 p
One crazy night: Priceless

2005-11-30T10:19:00.000Z

so we were sitting around the kitchen at 3 a.m . in the morning yeh, eating chips and fish sticks and whatnots- i was adament on being difficult that night, i was in one of my moods.

i had that itch to do something crazy, like jump into the freezing cold fountain right outside, and val suggested taking a walk. which turned into a drive. around glouscester road which turned into a drive to south wales.

we were insane, the motorway M4 belonged to us, the sinewy, winding street lights arching high into the sky like our protective shield, leaning out of the open top window breezing down the empty street- icy cold so you can't feel your ears. getting out of the car in the hard shoulder of the motorway to lean over the bridge into the open atlantic sea.

we found the newport docks (nothing much was open that time of the night) which was magical by night- the sea reflecting the purplish hues of the nearing dawn and the fir trees lining the shore. we wanted to "borrow" a boat to row out further, but just when we (well he) climbed past the barbed wire gate to get the boat, and were about to step into it, i felt footsteps rocking the little dock.

us: erh.. morning!

he: what are you doing here? these are my boats.

us: wow all these are your boats? you have many boats. (desperately changing tactics) we're just looking around, we're first time visitors to wales.

he: i tied my boat on the other side, what is it doing here?

us: uhm we dunno, we found it here. we didn't touch it. (fuckkkk!!!!)

he: (picking up the rope to the boat that was slung around my bag) what's this then, it's hanging over your bag?

us: uhm uhm we dunno. it kinda got moored over there by the tide so we took it. (fuccckkin hell!!!)

he: oh so you saved my boat, didn't ya? thanks.

::

first snow.

2005-11-26T13:04:00.000Z

late as usual, I scuttered up the steep hill at 9.40 a.m. for a 9.30 class, to find myself meandering along the short cut to school upon the discovery that the first snow of Bristol had fallen during the night.

White frost glaced the tops of cars, lining the sidewalks and blanketing gardens.

unimaginably soft to the touch, crystal foam.

simply irresistable. i even brought a lilliputian snow ball into class.

::

missing you lovelies, hope you're doing well.

::

the feeling of being in love is like that ache you get watching a beautiful sunset.

2005-11-26T12:30:00.000Z

The Forbidden City

A Mythical tale

Held on the 2nd and 3rd of December at the University of Bristol Students' Union, "The Forbidden City" features traditional Chinese wear ranging from the Han Dynasty to modern-day China, including costumes from award winning films such as ' House of Flying Daggers', 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' and 'Hero'. There will be performances from all over the world- the famous Shaolin Kung Fu act -"Wheel of Life", traditional Chinese cultural dance, Belly dancing and the Latin Salsa.

Tickets are priced at £9 , and includes an after-show party at El-Puerto Spanish Lounge Bar and Warehouse Night Club.

Held in aid of the Asian Earthquake Appeal launched by British Red Cross, "The Forbidden City" is a unique multi-cultural experience that will take your breath away!

2005-11-23T22:55:00.000Z

dreading the much overdue self confrontation with a long time fear- that my work will be my life. the paradox of wanting to do what you love yet hoping it won't run your life.

am not looking forward for the post-production blues due mid- december.

2005-11-11T15:39:00.000Z

i've got a first for my film unit last year!

2005-11-09T15:06:00.000Z

mom's visiting, and so are luca's (housemate) parents. last night we were stuffed with fried rice, udon, lemon meringue pie and apple crumble, and today we had home-made italian pizza, crispy thing with spinach stuffing and chocolate fudge.

i swear, i've been walking around perpetually full to the brim these two days, like a little bloated ribena thing.

i was a little apprehensive before she came- i know this might sound weird, but it's probably the first time i've been with her alone for an extended period of time (well, three days) since I was four (when my brother came along and brought sunshine into our grey world)

i just can't deal with that unconditional love that parents give you- i feel guilty and unworthy and somehow obligagated. i know it sounds really bad at this point- but it's the concept of loving someone without knowing how the person really is, i.e. knowing your parents as individuals, and not seeing them as well, parents.

but i am learning that sometimes all it takes is giving a sign of appreciation, a word of thanks to make the day brighter and courses smoother.

::

on the other hand, i've been incredibly busy this week with my film project and producing the photo shoot for the fashion show. it's going to be a huge success. :) all the time and effort is worth it. when you see the pictures, man, you won't believe most of them were shot in my room with an ikea uplighter.

i'll give you guys a sneak preview cos you're my friends and i love you. hear that? i love ya my liddle fuddy wuddy pumpkin pie!

p.s. i got val, (the housemate) to do the photography. 'e's going to be famous someday, i'm telling ya!

the trials and tribulations of living with crazy flatmates

2005-11-06T00:26:00.000Z

friday night. eleven o'clock. walking home on park street from rehearsals.

i look up, in my semi-dazed state, to see a huge procession made up of housemates and housemates' friends and am all of a sudden swept along to a party on pembroke road thrown for someone's birthday- of whom, not half of us knew.

so we arrived at the house to find people spilling out onto the lawn- there were too many friends' friends and people were getting kicked out, so a huge crowd followed someone ( i think people were just following each other without any idea of where they were going) and stopped smack in the middle of the road to play a silly game with beer cans.

bored as we were, we found entertainment looking up at the top window of one of the 3 storied houses where we watched, with hysterics, a couple getting it on (the girl was down on her knees, y'know, but the guy kept his boxers on! i mean, c'mon) val started shouting at them (imagine the look on the girl's face) and the guy gave us a thumbs-up before (relunctantly) drawing the curtains. what a laugh.

some pictures from the night.

still normal.

me, louis, anne-laure, val

val: ooh let's be a sea of jackets!

we're bored.

them crazy boys.

the trials and tribulations of being a drama student

2005-11-04T15:39:00.000Z

so off we went, trapising through the long and winding paths of cotham and gloucester road, the walk peppered with nonsense conversation and 'are we there yeeettt'. after a stop over for some toblerone ice-cream, we arrived, dragging our heels, an hour's walk later for The Flaw Set.

Curated by the Special Guests (Bristol uni drama alumni!), The Flaw Set advertised itself as 'alternative caberet'. Granted, the cosy, basement-y feel of the space gave me hope for the night's potential, and the acts had entertaining moments, though the two bands that played in the end, 'a mix of poetry and electro-pop' was funny, but unfortunately, only for the first 30 seconds. the last band was made up of a duo riding on the fleeting 'geek is cool' trend- with socks showing and t-shirts labelled 'we love libraries', they were adorable for a little while, especially when one of them started doing a jig- the only problem was that he didn't stop.

i've had enough of self-indulgent performances- they just make my blood boil. and what irks me most of all, (and i'm not directing this to the performance tonight, but in the performance arts in general) is when artists think they should be entitled to make a living out of pure 'self-expression', with no contribution to the realm of art whatsoever, purely selfish, self-motivated performances. i know i'm being vague here without giving a definition of what i mean by selfish performances, but it's a long long dark journey and i don't think i want to go down there tonight.

but that's the thing- art only has value in other people's appreciation, i.e. it derives value from audiences' reponses, and their response alone, the line 'no one gets my art' is bullshit, when you say that, it just means your piece is shite.

there are too many artists out there who aren't their harshest critics, (and who put me into excruciating, physical pain whenever i'm there to witness their performances), and that reliance on the familarity and support of their 'art cliques' as an excuse to do rubbish work. then they get bitter (yet privately proud) of their status as a starving, struggling artist. ooh, the hardship, the sacrifices i'm making in the name of art, for the sake of art and the good of mankind.

catch-22 being, you can't sift them artists out. you sit through hours of hammed-up exchanges and self-righteous monologues just for that gem you uncover, one thursday night, in the dinghy basement of an unknown bar. it's for when you leave that bar, into the crisp, starry night, that magic of performance re-affirmed.

*note: my definition of performance not only includes the usual performative arts but the realm of visual media arts as well, i.e. film and television

::

missing the beaver-weavers, and honorary beavers too

on being scary mary

2005-10-31T13:07:00.000Z

i was sitting on my stairs this grey morning, having a nonsensical conversation with the equally nonsensical beaver (albeit with a sexy, raspy voice- me not him) who I had to call back 7 times because he was on the MRT and we kept getting cut off everytime he went underground.

aside from being mildly entertaining with the barrage of insults (totally one-sided- him to me! he said I have eyebrows like Hitler's moustache dammit), that ferociously in-demand beaver also shed light on the extent of my scary-maryness.

seriously, the ladyboys in thailand probably exhibit more femininity than me. i have so much testorone, i won't be surprised if my voice broke one morning, or if i start sprouting a moustache. (ok scratch that- i'd be horrified if i find myself with Hitler's moustaches above my eyes and lips.)

then again, i don't really see why I have to conform to these notions of gender stereotypes, well apart from the obvious fact that I don't get any and might die a lonely, old woman in my one-room apartment and eaten by Alsatians. i crack dirty jokes, am often incredibly insensitive to other people's emotions, i slag women off (i'm sorry! but girls can be so annoying at times, yapping away all the time- yapyapyap. but i'm concuring that the average British male talks as much as any woman. i swear, they just never shut up), and apart from the urge to scratch my genitals every few seconds, that's pretty much who I am.

i am absolutely clueless on how to approach the opposite sex, and am a woman of few words(except when I'm suffering from a spiel of verbal diahorrea, which usually comes about when I haven't had a decent conversation for a couple of days) i exhibit symptoms of attention deficit disorder and my maternal instinct is non-existent (ooh lookie baby! cor! hmm what should i have for dinner tonight..)

so i should put on frilly skirts and curl my hair so they fall in long luxurious waves down my back, have pretty nails, and pretend that I don't know the guys are talking about that hot blonde they want to fuck the brains out.

i don't want to have to coax conversation or chemistry with that guy who buys me a drink, or cast my eyes downwards as he leans in towards me with his squared off shoulders and hand on hip, and fiddle with my fingers and bat my eyelashes. it's all acting, people, rules of the mating game-

that's it. i'm not going to get laid. like ever.

curses.

side note: i'm obsessed with mariah! we belong together- at ya wamuel!

2005-10-30T18:04:00.000Z

i have a massive pimple in between my brows and i'm indulging in a mars bar.

mmm, mars barsss

this could be the start of a great ad.

2005-10-30T17:31:00.000Z

so there we were, scattered on the carpeted living room of kim's apartment for lunch on a Saturday afternoon, where conversation flittered from a long debate on man-made-god vs god-made-man (am not going to go there, it's been done to death a thousand times over- it's a matter of personal choice and belief- end of argument. ) to cosmopolitan sex tips to michael jackson jokes. a story that came up was of a married couple who, seperately, both started having an online affair, and on meeting up with their respective online lovers, discovered it to be each other. immediately, they filed for divorce.

that led me thinking- doesn't that incident prove that the other had all the qualities they were looking for- albeit the qualities they thought were missing before? the divorce was a matter of pride than anything else, not so much dissatisfaction, or even, dare i say, a lack of love.

funny though, in retrospect, how i dismissed their folly of prioritising pride over love/happiness. me, tara tan, the one who, (i must admit) appears exceedingly and infuriatingly haughty at times, especially in matters in which i have minor previous experience in. yes, i am aware i'm not an easy person to work with, when i get into my bitchy stage, but i am working on it, really, and am hoping i'll see some progress.

don't get me wrong, i don't turn my nose up over wealth, differences in opinion, grades (like hell it matters), lifestyle, dressing, and so on. i mean, you're talking to the girl who worked in a night club just so she could see what it was like for those who had to work there to support someone else, or work 2 jobs just so she could experience what it was like to be so tired you fall asleep standing up.

sometimes, i feel a sense of loss, like i lost that girl who was so eager so hungry for life experiences. i'm still striving to live life to the fullest, but i'm getting a little too comfy, just a tad too cushy in my little life.

i have no idea where this post is going, and i must apologise for the haphazard and wayward directions it has been shooting in. most of all, for the LAZINESS in developing it further.

halloween beckons.

2005-10-30T13:08:00.000Z

this made my Sunday morning-

http://viknluda.com/foe/video/

Gwen Stefani anyone?

the one where i introduce my housemates

2005-10-28T16:23:00.000+01:00

I can't get over the fact that I can access the internet in my lofty tower (my room) since the kickass 20 m long cable arrived by owl post this morning. i feel invicible - now i can actually change my clothes whilst checking my email, flirt with someone seven seas away while brushing my teeth, the list goes on. woohoo!

::

Anyway, i've been putting this off for far too long, but I'll introduce the lovely people who are my housemates at 1A Broad Quay, a ~~cheap~~ darling, ~~musty~~ quaint, ~~falling apart~~ adorably higgely-piggedly little place. (think howl's moving castle) It's a steep three stories, (i actually get thigh and bum burn when i climb the stairs to my bedroom), loads of sunshine streaming through the windows, looks right out to the city center, so our kitchen window's 24-hour reality TV, and pretty normal except for the fully carpeted kitchen and earthquake inducing dryer. (plates and human bones rattle if you're sitting at the dining table whilst the dryer is going on. it's an uhm, experience. haha i suddenly have a mental image of people with nonchalant faces trying to suppress any stirrings they feel in their loins while poking at peas and carrots. )

but I digress.

we go through an inane and unreasonable amount of cheese, bread and toilet paper. it's absolutely crazy- we average a loaf of bread a day, and a 600g block of mature cheddar disappears within two. don't get me started on toilet paper.

The lovely housemates.

So, we live wedged in between a florist and an Italian-run sandwich shop, fronted by a red door on cobbled streets.

the first floor's the kitchen and the living room, which is filled with posters from all parts of the world (the house has a history of very international occupants)

the second floor dwellers:

Anne-laure (eh-nerh-lohhrr): french, addicted to tv (especially lost), and unable to resist chocolate-coated digestive biscuits. funny and crazy.
Country of Origin: France

Andrea (on-drrea-ah): gentle, sweet engineering undergrad, with a little mohawk he refuses to put gel in. lovely brown puppy dog eyes.
Country of Origin: Italy

Luca (loo-kah): 24-year old civil engineer doing his masters'. old-school glasses with closely shaved head and a piercing in his left brow. very much the ladies man. crazy espresso drinker.
Country of Origin: Italy

Valera (vah-lehrr-ra): an amazingly talented photographer who doesn't know why he's majoring in history. one of the 3 couch potatoes (me, val and anne) who drives a car with a parking space 15 minutes walk away.
Country of Origin: Ukraine

at the summit with yours truly:

Patrick (pah-trick): dutch with scandinavian-blond hair who has a fan going at full blast in his room even on the coldest autumn days, has been living here for 3 years now. often throws manglish and knowledge of asian spices at me.
Country of origin: Holland

::

we get along pretty well despite them not understading my love for tofu (looks like cheese but tastes of nothing) and me unable to fanthom why the hell they'll eat smelly smelly cheese (can't rem the name of it, but one tiny piece tastes like a medley of farts, each one more pungent than the last)

::

irrelevant but momentous: I can cook a mean-ass stirfry of mushrooms, onions, peppers, mincemeat and sambal chilli. i'm so impressed with myself that i have that with rice, instant noodles or pasta whenever the rest don't cook.

they are pretty amazed that i eat white rice, well, white. they add fresh creme and grated cheese to theirs.

and they don't eat veggie. ever.

::

halloween party this sunday @ warehouse!

aiyoh.

2005-10-26T13:10:00.000+01:00

You Are 90% Boyish and 10% Girlish

You have a tough exterior - and usually a tough interior to match it.
You're no nonsense, logical, and very assertive.
Sometimes you can't understand women at all, even if you're a woman yourself.
You see things rationally, and don't like to let your emotions get the best of you.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Your Personality Is

Rational (NT)

You are both logical and creative. You are full of ideas.
You are so rational that you analyze everything. This drives people a little crazy!

Intelligence is important to you. You always like to be around smart people.
In fact, you're often a little short with people who don't impress you mentally.

You seem distant to some - but it's usually because you're deep in thought.
Those who understand you best are fellow Rationals.

In love, you tend to approach things with logic. You seek a compatible mate - who is also very intelligent.

At work, you tend to gravitate toward idea building careers - like programming, medicine, or academia.

With others, you are very honest and direct. People often can't take your criticism well.

As far as your looks go, you're coasting on what you were born with. You think fashion is silly.

On weekends, you spend most of your time thinking, experimenting with new ideas, or learning new things.

The Three Question Personality Test

have u wong kar wai-ed?

2005-10-23T06:25:00.000+01:00

this guy defines the moments i have so frequently- you know, when i seem to zone out (very rudely, i'm aware, i'm sorry!) in the middle of conversations or stimulating activity (hmm.)

i am not alone, i cried. perchance there might be some hope-

support group perhaps?

the brilliant definition and the blog.

"I want to talk about Wong Kar Wai.

But not Wong Kar Wai as the big-shot Cannes filmfest awards winning Director, who gave us some really tasteful but artistically confounding thrash like Chungking Express, In the mood for Love and 2046, who glamourised the wasting of filmtime on unbelievably long panning shots of characters who aren't doing anything except look to the left or right of the camera and pretend they are in a freeze frame when they're not.

I want to talk about Wong Kar Wai as a term, a definition, a phenomenon, a feeling.

Actually, make that two types of feelings with a similar outcome that one experiences, from time to time... or the lack of. (Okay stay with me on this, even though I have no clue where I'm going. But like all things in life, it's always more fun when you leave the driver seat empty, with a brick on the gas pedal and you screaming in the back.)

Wong Kar Wai defined:v. (wng kar w) a form of expression used to connote moments in time where an individual suddenly stops moving and lapses into involuntarily deep self contemplation without conscious effort and restraint, or extended periods of time where an individual simply stops moving totally because of one's heightened awareness towards his/her own current state of being, out of sheer reflection.

Note: Do not confuse Wong Kar Wai with other forms of physically immobility which occurs without the act/non-act of reflection/deep involuntary contemplation.

If you stop moving because you are lethargic, that's not Wong Kar Wai at all. It's called 'Zoning Out' (think 'Twiling Zone').

If you stop moving because you suffer from attention deficit disorders, it's called daydreaming.If you stop moving because you are plain lazy, it's called idling. In SAF terms it's called zhou-boh.

If you stop moving because a major freak accident has caused you to lose one or more of your limbs, its called a handicap.

If you stop moving because you had a stroke, it's called paralysis.

If you stop moving everytime you get in line, it's called Basic Military Training.

And if you stop moving simply because you're tired, it's called sleeping.

Now, typical Wong Kar Wai phenomenon usually (but not necessarily) occurs during a mid or post-event activity:

- You're waiting for your food to come, at first you sit there idling, and then suddenly, it happens, the noisy foodcourt fades out and all you hear is your own voice telling you about something that happened yesterday.

- You're eating, and then suddenly it happens, mouth open, chopsticks in hand with noodle slipping off the ends, you freeze, your senses becoming unusually acute, colours look brighter, sounds become louder and you can hear your own heartbeat.

- You're in the middle of project discussion, there is a heated debate between two members of your group most probably not even vaguely related to the project itself, you realize how freaking useless your team mates are and how dis-illusioned you really should be. At first you are pondering when to tell the fucks you're changing groups and how badly they should die, and then it happens, you feel light and airy and your thoughts drift to something someone said last week.

- You're not doing anything productive, and then it happens, you think you're in a Faye Wong music video and start lamenting (silently) about how used you feel, just like a pawn in a chess set.

- You're trying to start on the 10,000 word dissertation with a harrowingly tight deadline, and nothing comes to your mind until it happens, you stare at the blinking cursor and freeze, realizing how light your fingers feel resting on the keypad and how much you hate to move them.

- You've just had sex, you light a cigarette to celebrate your fifteen thousandth ejaculation in life and it happens, with dick in half erection mode and cigarette in hand you stop moving and wonder whose bed you're in or whether the hair on your fingers have grown since your last Wong Kar Wai.

Now smoking used to be a pre-requisite of typical Wong Kar Wai (think Tony Leung with fag in hand and a 30 minute close-up shot of the twirling smoke), but in light of the government's campaign to work towards a smoke-free nation, it is now applicable for the term to be used in a non-smoking situation as well. However it should be noted that non-smokers are prone to experiencing a milder form of Wong Kar Wai compared to a smoker's .

Some examples of how to incorporate the term into your everday expressions:

"I don't know why but everytime I'm in the MRT, I Wong Kar Wai."
"I'm sorry I crashed my car into your bus, I was Wong Kar Waing"
"I prefer to Wong Kar Wai in the toilet cubicle instead of at the urinals."
"My muscles are kinda sore because just now I was having Wong Kar Wai."
"Alcohol makes me Wong Kar Wai alot."
"You should realise that all these crap materialised after a very serious period of Wong Kar Wai on my part at 5 in the morning, after much contemplation no doubt, with a somewhat dismal effort at editing. And you should also be informed that the whole time I was typing this out, I was Wong Kar Waing."

Have you Wong Kar Waied?"

2005-10-21T20:32:00.000+01:00

what a weirdass day it's been.

i almost got strangled by thorny vines that ensnarled my scarf as I rushed down the steep hill from the drama dept. I swear, it was a truly candid moment- I gagged and my eyes semi-popped out-and the ghastly wind lured the brambles to sink in more of their vicious claws into my darling grey wool scarf, dammit. it's alive, it's alive!

and after a particularly entertaining tale about fellow bristolians' demise, I came home to find that OUR own ceiling had burst through under the water pressure from the 2nd storey bathroom. apparently it was like a mini- waterfall cascading down the 2nd storey walls.

ah, all in the name of feng-shui, i say.

2005-10-20T14:55:00.000+01:00

ohgodohgod let the rhythmic sound coming from downstairs be someone whipping some eggs, or the dryer. anything.

i hear coughing and the smell of.. soap.

::

mucho rantings this beautiful sunny thursday afternoon brings.

i'm sick. down with a cold and cough that left me lounging around in my pyjamas for 48 hours.

::

i bought a damn cable over ebay that turns out to be a telephone wire not an eternet cable. dammit dammit more sitting on the stairs.

::

my halloween publicity with the subject title "I know what you're doing..."

"this halloween" was changed into-

"what are you doing this halloween? I know!"

F***in' P***.

go read something else

2005-10-16T05:17:00.000+01:00

I scored 3/20 (3/20!) in a emphatising test by the BBc (via aleej) when the average score for men was 6/20 and for women, 11/20. that is a scary, scary fact. i always knew i didn't have much interpersonal skills- have an inability to read expressions and emotions, but never realised i was so severely handicapped.

::

sorry for not updating, life's been good though.
my internet cable ain't long enough to reach into my bedroom which is up a flight up very steep, very steep stairs. ( i'm serious, i can easily go on all fours climbing up that moutain) so i'm sitting on the edge of one of those stairs typing away this very moment. very unconduscive. heh. gawd, excuses excuses

::

I'm sorely pissed for missing out on my own houseparty. it was held on the same day as another friend's and i didn't think it was very nice if i went around saying, hey come to mine instead. but BAH it was really packed, and according to my french housemate, so packed that it took an hour to squeeze from the tiny kitchen to the tiny living room. the fire alarm went off countless times that night, and strangers (i live right at the city centre) wanted to crash the place.

let it go darling, the bread's been toasted, the onion's been chopped. at least i had fun too, clubbing at evo ( i made sure i was still standing sober at the end of the night)

::

like wanting to curl up in a corner and die, even when everything is well.

did u ever feel like that? when u have nothing in the world to well, really feel upset about, but still feel like huddling up under a hidey-hole and disappear, just for a little while.

no, i'm not in one of my depressive states again. you know, i don't ever remember being the depressive sort but lately i've been morphing into angsty bitch.

must be the hair.

::

of threadbare carpets and stolen duvets

2005-10-05T13:50:00.000+01:00

you wake up in the morning freezing your ass off- the duvet ain't warm enough. there isn't any midday sun filtering across your sleeping figure, only grey skies pregnant with the promise of rain.

you gaze out of the window and instead of flipflops and skinny people, you see heavy coats and scarves flying aflap in the wind.

you have sandwiches and baguettes for lunch instead of beef hor fun.

you have vegetable soup for breakfast and you long for teh tarik

you watch TNS' Mardi Gras, and the mention of 'Taboo' combined with the theatrics of Hossan Leong and Kumar makes you pine for the pinkposeurpalace.

at dinner, the french and italian accents you hear are authentic, not put-on by drama queenbeavers.

you can't make light of a situation just by putting on a strong Singlish auntie accent.

the view otuside my room isn't of boring neighbours or blindingly bright durian stalls but the imposing, aloof stare of the red neon sign- THE HIPPODROME.

Toto, I don't think we're in kansas anymore.

::

on a side note, I'm on cloud nine because I got the hugest compliment EVAR for my paper, 'Yet Another Gay Play' from my lecturer. I have half a mind to frame it up leh

::

missing you already.

2005-10-02T12:27:00.000+01:00

so tonight's the night.

i could, oh i so could, be very melodramatic here but I shall spare you all the extent of pain and agony reserved only for drama queens.

i'm pretty ok about leaving actually, though quite a few of you out there voiced concerns about me plunging into the deepest depths of despair and hurling myself off the plane at 30,000 feet, or stabbing myself with the plastic knife that come with compartmentalized meals. With the exception of the dearie ole grandparents, my departure this time round is a much less teary and low key (by that i mean, not so dra-mah) affair.

ah well, it's been a great summer, thanks to all you nutty ones.

I'll leave you with an charming lil' ditty concocted by dearie ole fir dang dangs, kisses y'all. see you next summer- where the sun always shines, where you can find banana honey prata and teh tarik, where you can find hunky tomyam and nasi goreng pattaya.

via fireeks

my punk girl leaves sunday night

soon she'll be on a long cold flight

no more of her smile in sight

but fret not, take light

soon she'll be back,

her size 28 (or is it 30) a little too tight!

2005-10-01T16:19:00.000+01:00

10 random facts about myself

1) my earliest childhood memories are from the ages 8 or 9 and above. I have no recollection or any memories from the years before that.

2) I have lost over 20 phones in the last 6 years.

3) I have a mild distaste for people who are too eager to please. ( something i'm not proud of, but cannot help)

4) I am unable to distinguish between having a crush and really liking someone, only realising so when it's too late.

5) sim lim square strikes terror in my poor ole heart. whenever i visit, i have a barely repressible urge to scream and jump out of the nearest window.

6) I secretly wish that I have more hurdles to cross in life. everything's come too easily.

7) I have a penchant for displacement.

8) the only thing I really fear in life, is death and growing old.

9) and the one thing I hate is when people underestimate me.
which comes frequently when acquaintances find out I'm studying drama in Bristol, after leaving NUS for one year. oohh, they go, that presumptuous look settling cold and flat in their eyes- couldn't quite make it locally, could you?
fuck you.

10) it is my greatest lamentation that I cannot be bitchy:) without it sounding bitchy:(.

::

when I hang out with friends, the question of where shall we go what shall we do next crops up frequently in the night, and hovers in the air above our heads during dinner conversations- but with the beavers, they're more than happy to plonk down in a corner, any corner after all, space is performative and do what they do.

better still, if we don't need to order anything. starving artists mah

2005-09-27T19:43:00.000+01:00

the parents went to hongkong and they didn't get me my wong kar wai dvd box set.

whinge whinge whine whine

::

the night that didn't end

2005-09-26T16:32:00.000+01:00

so we (the usual suspects- dangs, jez, von and yours truly) trooped down to our favourite haunt, arab street (those who have yet to discover the wonders of arab street, you're missing out!), in search of a nice hole to snuggle in and celebrate wamuel soo's twentysecond. but lo and behold, the cafes (it was only midnight!) stopped serving anything but drinks and shishas. what ever happened to good ole food, for crying out loud. so there we were, under the starry, windy-on-the-verge-of-raining night on the rooftop terrace of cafe el-sheikh, stranded.

and then we ended up at mox.

yes sirree, gravitated there like bees to honey, not even initial plans for 95 deterred us for the slightest moment. deny this all u want, but there was no true hesitaion, my charmed ones.

victim #1

the pooor, pooor waiter who only wanted to do his job, but had to endure our endless and not at all subtle scrutiny the entire night. he was so frightened he took huge detours around the not-very-big mox to avoid crossing our paths.

victim #2

me!

i was out on the terrace with wamuel fagging, when our darling dangs had to pop in and, not realising there was a huge crowd behind the door, announced very loudly and very auntie-ly, might i add,

eh, your favourite actor is here leh!

the crowd, chattering nonchalently moments before, turned and stared.

my face turned as ashen as the fragile stump of ash at the end of my cig that shivered momentarily and crumbled to the dark regions below, as i fought to keep my cool and ignore the cheeky grin that spread over the lips of the tall, dark and handsome stranger sitting opposite.

swing we did, on the old-school metal swing meant for two in the middle of mox. we successfully squeezed in three, with stan on one side and me and dangs on the other. and sing they did, in chocolately, velvet, dulcet tones, of love and romance, of paris in springtime. dangs tried to get me to play kiss-chicken with him, oh the cunning one!, on the pretext of acting. smoochy, he tried to get, even roping in stan as "director". we made sam hop on, to make it four, on the suddenly screechy swing (oh you doth protest too much, swing!)

told off by the tearing-his-hair-out-waiter with flappy hands, we got off, and proceeded to dance across the space to somejazzsinger.

oh god, imagine what we'll be like if we were actually drunk.

chinatown at night is surreal, disquieting, and oh too good a location for a spooky tale. lanterns swinging in the cool night breeze, a plastic bag tumbleweeding its spiraly way across our paths, in some unholy pattern only known to thee, a discarded plastic doll stuck unceremoniously behind a metal pipe, armed with a couple of wild imaginations.

twilight was a less eventful affair, spent on the bank of the river near the tyler print institute, the new home of Theatreworks. there we concocted dramatic potions of, strangely enough, marital affairs- of the flied lice, flied beehoon cooking pei lan, the manly, lingerie-trying Tim (oh honey, you can't fit into them, i'm twice your size!), poor, poor Ling er and the token unborn foetus.

strawberry lip balm, traffic sanctioners that stand as proud as fire-engine red ****s, make-believe rats, abused wives, bags with multi-colored baby phallic-looking cones, people who jog at the ungodly hour of 5 am, topped off with wonderful company.

thanks, dahhhhhhhhhh-lings

the last week.

2005-09-26T12:25:00.000+01:00

I'm not dreading it as much as I thought I'd be.

i know, i know, i'm tres blessed for the opportunity, and I'm determined (yet again) to make the most out of my last two years. I'd always thought that I'll come back to work straight away, but now, the potential satisfaction, appreciation and environment of working overseas lures me like the mermaid's cry to lusty sea-sailors.

it's not so much a case of wanderlust, as the need to discover one self at one's own time and pace.

here, it's an endless stream of checking off the list of essentials to make your life rewarding and fulfilling- get a job, call it your career, buy your first branded handbag, get your membership to a prestigious oh so glamorous club, marry your partner after five years of courtship, buy your first home together, have kids, buy that family car, resume work, turn around to find tt your kids are all grown up, urge them to get married and have children- afterall you deserve the bragging rights- be a grand parent, take up line dancing, pottery or tai chi classes, i mean, isn't that how you really wanted your life to be?

i'm not against that way of life, i guess my distaste for it is pretty much due to the pressure we, and those around us, put on ourselves to chop chop calipok and have the balanced life- so that we can really live during the little time that we have to really pursue what we love. who knows? maybe i'm following a formula for disaster.

ahh, choices, choices.

2005-09-25T17:24:00.000+01:00

23centstories.com

2005-09-21T19:02:00.000+01:00

adopt your own virtual pet!

2005-09-20T06:35:00.000+01:00

wisps of CRACK!- the community play brought together by TNS, as part of the Separation 40 project.

pictures by miss meow meow, text by the team.

Singapore to me is

where they want less sex but more babies

is a city with no heart

is an endless paper chase

is where everyone matters, except those who don't

where you can do many things, and can't do many things

knowing you're safe in the streets, even at 3am

overly concerned about being unique

complain, complain,complain

where I feel watched all the time

a city with no heart

kerching-ching!

a safe country, with everything censored

where you can get roti prata, 24 hours a day

where the national past time is queing up

probably the only place where you can 'chope' seats using tissue paper

a pack of ciggarettes cost $10

most my home when I'm away from it

a beautiful, expensive city

Malaysia to me is

where I divide all the prices I see into two

is a neighbour, yet a stranger

cheap seafood in JB

where my grandfather orders me not to wear my seatbelt in the car

being jammed on the causeway for hours

a rival and a competitor, when it doesn't have to be one

60 cent nasi lemaks served with a smile

Proton cars

If we never seperated

I would be able to speak Malay

TV3 would be like MTV

I wouldn't be able to watch kissing scenes on TV

Zoe Tay would be a Datin

Lee Kuan yew would be wearing a Songkok

there would be no integrated resorts, just casinos

would the Merlion even exist?

2005-09-19T17:43:00.000+01:00

brief plug before (yes i will do it i will!) i write a proper diagnosis-

do catch Quills (Luna-id)if you can- going on 16-25 september at the DBS Arts Centre. It's one of -hell, i'd say it- the best play that I've seen in Singapore to date. (though it's not local- british, by don wright. very british but incredibly universal, it transcends the constrains of cultural borders) wonderfully written, beautifully played- it's definitely not to be missed. it defies limitations, just when you think it cannot possibly go any further, it outdoes itself, reposessing its own throne over and over again.

2005-09-19T17:02:00.001+01:00

i know i haven't been updating, forgive me.

::

this summer simply flew by- it's been nearly 4 months since i've been back, and am departing the sunny island for the grey skies of the UK in 2 weeks.

Things I've done this summer:

- dyed my hair black, lived with plum-streaked mistakes of a t&G student for 2 weeks, am currently in love with my rightfully purple locks. cue black eyeliner and lotsa accessories.

- discovered haji lane, re-discovered over and over again the treasures deep in the recesses of the likes of chinatown, bugis, arab street, little india. no matter how deep you delved the last time, there's always something new to find.

- watched almost every play that graced the singapore stage this summer. there were many many bad ones, too many- i fantasised about stabbing them to die painful painful deaths in my sleep- but a couple of gems that shone- 1) Quills by Luna-id, 2) Dimsum Dollies by dream academy, 3)seperation 40 by TNS, in that order.

- turned around and found that the little ones have all grown up.

- tried my darnest to believe that the glass wasn't cracking, that everything will be back to the way it was. now. now. now.

- procrastinated doing any kind of proper writing. so much for plans of screenplays and play scripts, academic pursuits or poetic prose.

- discovered new friends, blew the dust off old friendships to find the link stronger than ever.

- sang majulah singapore in a blanc space with others who believe, and are fighting the battle for a singapore that will love them back.

- morphed reality into fantasies.

- waltzed in petshops, enacted the acts of marriage, adultery, first loves, crushes, the crushed in the basements of a theatre company, mrt train cabins, the back of von's car, the streets of orchard road- where is ur mind going u fiend i was talking about playing pretend!- performing the performative for the sake of performance.

- ran about and (yes!) got more toned during production week for the tv drama i was attached to, learnt mucho mucho about the local tv and film industry (or lack thereof), and how interpersonal skills seem to mean much more than talent in the big bad world

- attended film symposiums and workshops at the substation (turning out to be my 2nd home!), alternative arts spaces- rojak 02 above the cheese cake shop with hollowed out walls, chalkboard scribbled-on corridoors, very naughty see through toilet translucent doors (dammit sam and jeza carry the secret to your grave!) steep steep stairwells with no handles, stolen haagen daaz tubs- dreams of an alternative singapore in bianco.

- walking along east coast beach jettys with full bladders for the night seabreeze, twinkly stars (it's dust my dearie) and pseudo mars lookalikes.

- went into sporadic panic attacks whenever I started to wonder what exactly am i going to do with my life.

- didn't get drunk (it's a record!)

- enveloped myself in the warmth of attending 21st birthday celebrations

- said hello then goodbye to those who left singapore too soon

- watched 2 seasons of scrubs

- didn't try for my driving license (dammit)

- didn't think about going back to bristol

- discovered the oddballs that make up my family- extended and all- and how neurotic they can be, who else has a mom who, upon your confession of your fear of the possibility of losing ur sanity, agrees that there's a streak of madness that runs in the family.

2005-09-09T18:27:00.000+01:00

yes, i'm still at work at 1:28 a.m.

but it's been an eventful day- too eventful if you ask me.

in the morning, our producer was involved in an accident- her taxi was hit in the back and swung around in circles before coming to a stop.

just as we were wrapping up today's shoot (at 11 pm), we heard screams (we were shooting in a HDB flat) and much crying. a woman was robbed in the lift, the three men crew ran after the three robbers ( they pushed her against the wall of the lift, she had a cut lip and bruises all over her arms). they caught the three thieves, who were mere teenagers, just 16 year old kids, police arrived and so on.

string of bad luck, i'd say. plus our director sprained her back two days ago, and can only shuffle painfully around. our only 2 female leads are really ill.

but, i am enjoying my work tremendously and learning loads.

missing you people though, catch up soon hons.

2005-09-02T13:40:00.000+01:00

it is a momentuous moment. i have a massive pimple on my chin and I can't see my toes.

::

Shooting for Switch! (kids drama i'm attached to) begins tomorrow, hurray hurrah!

::

Today I learnt something about myself. I am one arrogant little bitch.

why didn't anyone tell me that before?

::

hot rods and sugar sticks.

::

on the up side, i was at the primary school today, (setting up a classroom for the shoot) and I saw this absolute dream of PE teacher. Boyish, floppy hair and an even floppier walk. evenly tanned all over.

mmhmm.

OKCupid! The 2-Variable Intuition Test

2005-08-31T16:52:00.000+01:00

All-Around Awesome

You have:
85% SCIENTIFIC INTUITION and
77% EMOTIONAL INTUITION

The graph on the right represents your place in Intuition 2-Space. As you can see, you scored well above average on emotional intuition and well above average on scientific intuition. (Weirdly, your emotional and scientific intuitions are equally strong.)

Your Emotional Intuition score is a measure of how well you understand people, especially their unspoken needs and sympathies. A high score score usually indicates social grace and persuasiveness. A low score usually means you're good at Quake.

Your Scientific Intuition score tells you how in tune you are with the world around you; how well you understand your physical and intellectual environment. People with high scores here are apt to succeed in business and, of course, the sciences.

Try my other test!
The 3 Variable Funny Test
It rules.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 92% on Scientific

You scored higher than 83% on Interpersonal

Link: The 2-Variable Intuition Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating

hee hee. try it.

2005-08-30T18:49:00.000+01:00

the tougher I make myself look

2005-08-30T15:32:00.000+01:00

some days I feel like i'm watching myself act (really badly) in an otherwise amazing sitcom called my life. i hate that feeling of not being very comfortable in my own skin. when the sides of myself i hate most, like my snide or insensitive or domineering selves choose to jut out like a sore thumb in inappropriate situations.

or when i'm whiny,

like now.

2005-08-29T13:22:00.000+01:00

Once in a blue moon, I get really pissed off. and i mean, really, really angry. i can get so full of angst that I shock even myself.

and today was over, well, a rather trival matter. I went for creative coloring at toni & guys hairdressing academy, and ended up with little streaks of plum in my hair. yes, plum colored streaks. goodbye jet black hair.

i was so angry that i demanded at least a 50% rebate, i swore i was going to dye everything back to the jet black before. people literally jumped out of my path when i looked at them, it was that scary. it's not anything to be proud of, certainly, dagger eyes.

well, anyway, i'm scheduled for a 'recovery' do on the house in two weeks' time.

god, once in a while, i can really throw my hissy fits.

sca-rey.